�I have had spring fever, so I was happy to have a 4 day weekend. Still, I have not done the things that I pictured myself doing. I want to clean up my outside area and make it nice and spiffy. I sweeped a little bit but my poor old aching back is sore and doesn't like that activity. I need one of those dustpans with a pole. That looks so easy, and fun almost. I can get one of those sticks with a pokey nail at the end to pick up debris. That looks really fun and it can double as a weapon. I can protect myself from home invaders with something like that. They will run and cover their eyes in fear of me poking out their eyeballs. Truthfully, I could never poke out somebodies eyeballs, even if I was in iminent danger. It would be gross. If you are a bad guy and reading this, don't get too confident. I might feel differently if you were stealing my silverware.
Slept a bit later than usual but still got the workout and breakfast in before heading to work.
Strength training day is still the tougher of the two days for me as I'm continuing to find myself weak in the pushup department.� I'm unable to do all of them and in some cases even when wimping out to the "girly" pushups.� Am figuring the strength will return in time.� If I'm still struggling after another two weeks I'll be sure to work on pushups in the evening as well to build up my strength.
Made the mistake a couple days back on getting on the scale and found myself back at 214 again.� I'm thinking at this point the scale is more a discouragement and a distraction than a gauge of success.� I'm eating what I should, feeling firmer though neither the scale or the mirror are as yet my friends in this department.� Persistence is the only thing that will help me to win out in the end.
I've spent too much time on the outside looking in to recognize what it's like to be�an insider.
That's what I'm afraid of and�that I might sabotage myself with my father and his family. I am told that I am�"family", they have been including me since Shirley's illness and death. Lisa and Dad at least, are calling and saying all the right words, I have a really good vibe when I'm around them and want to be more and more. But the doubts creep in my thoughts after a little bit, like when I called to see how his dr. appt. went he�said�that I didn't need to call. I played it off but felt the wall come up. That's something you tell an outsider not your daughter. Hmm..thinking�here now that I've reread that last paragraph -�that's about him, yes!
See? I think my own insecurities�about his love for me�run around in my mind and might�try to keep things from changing. When I lay my 'cards' on the table I can see that my relationship with him is getting much better and that has to remain�the focus and don't let my 'little abandonded girl' do the interpreting of his words/actions. She doesn't trust him and rightfully so. But I'm in charge now, I can and will protect her from being hurt. I can speak for her and give her what she needs.�Speaking of 'needs' �I have the strongest feeling that he's the dependent one in this relationship. I think he's most comfortable with people that don't need anything from�him emotionally speaking.
I have to remind myself everytime I feel...what is it?...happy? excited? hopeful? not sure exactly, maybe something like those, anyway when I get that feeling, I immediately think to myself, "hold it, don't make any conclusions just yet, don't be expecting too much cause you got to keep the old man from running". I am almost convienced that that's what he's most attracted to in Lisa, she's a very strong, independent woman and I know, for myself,�she makes me feel very comfortable around her, I see that he definately does�too.
There has to be a balance though, if I project too much independence it could look like I'm standoffish and if I lean on him too much he'll topple over. It's a tightrope at this point.
I really needed to get these thoughts down and out of my head. In time I will see, things will work out and everything's going to be fine.
death is harder for the living who've been left behind than on the dead who has been rid of all pain
�"I'm sorry for everything, but I won't admit I made a mistake" - words from the bastard that disowned me
�death is not scary, after all it is where everyone is heading, �it's the "how" and the "when" that I am afraid of
�"being disowned isn't all that, specially when the person disowning isn't given of much value."
What would you do with your life today if you weren't afraid of failure?
Well I would go buy a bunch of lotto tickets, one of them has to be� the winning ticket...then after I won, I'd go on a much needed vacation after telling the boss I�QUIT....
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